Well it's new year. I should have written this post all by myself. But the post is mainly inspired by my father, who encouraged me to write this today. In fact, now I am thinking of documenting the different stages of my Phd. Most of the time when I feel low, I don't feel like writing. But let's make a new year's resolution! Whenever I will feel low, in stead of getting depressed and sitting in the corner of a room, I will start writing. Who knows, may be in the course of writing, I will find a solution to overcome this.
Now let me reveal a secret in my life. I don't know how everyone else's life goes. But in my life, there is a distinctive and magical pattern. Surprisingly, extreme failure (well not "failure" exactly, let's call them bad days) and good days come repetitively in my life. It has become so evident that in my bad days, I become certain that even if I don't try, good days are coming along. And wow, good days follow. I don't know if deep inside I become the architect of my good days, but they just come. But how would you explain getting another tram within seconds after you see a tram leaving in front of your eyes in your good days, and missing a tram for seconds after running hard and then waiting for minutes in your bad days. I guess there are some miracles.
Anyway, this post is getting somewhere else. Let's talk PhD. Well, 2014 came. And following the trend, I also took a resolution that I will be the first person to go to the office in the morning, no matter what happens. There is this Russian guy Dmitry who comes every freaking day so early to the office. I was feeling like going before him so strongly because from my school days, I love to be the first person coming to the school or a lab or whatever. And I did it!! I had to run, had to catch my breath after leaving from our residence at the same time (we live in the same residence), but I finally beat him. For 3 out of 4 days so far I am the first person to go to the office. I told to myself that "I can". I don't know why but sometimes I love to push myself into challenges.
Alright, now let's talk about PhD. My PhD topic (I don't know whether it will be the exact PhD topic I will be working on or not, but this is the first independent project I was assigned by Torsten, my supervisor) was assigned to me in November. First it appeared to me as a bit abstract and a bit mathematical (major statistics). But it had lots of potentials because NCSA at UIUC (my dream university) had research on the topic with Torsten and I thought that if I hang on to the project, I would get a chance to do an internship in NCSA (my ultimate goal).
So I took up the topic, understood it at the high level, wrote a draft proposal and sent the proposal to Torsten. He told me "very good". I was happy.
Well, too soon! When I started to dig deeper, I became a bit lost. I read a lot of papers, but it was really unclear to me, how much of the topic will be mathematical and how much programming. I was trying to make sense of the mathematics for long and lost a lot of time. When I sent my second version of the proposal, Torsten even told me that whether I want to change my topic. I was very much affected by it.
Anyway, after a conversation with Torsten (by the way, it is really difficult to get a hold of him as he is busy, but he is nice enough to give you time eventually and he really expresses interest and enthusiasm in your work, unlike old professor, when he is talking to you), I had a clearer picture of it. But still I was having a hard time putting everything together and coming up with something concrete. I read a lot of papers but that did not help much. In the next conversation Torsten even told me that I am making the least amount of progress in the group. But despite this assault in this conversation, some areas became more clear to me and at last I was getting some grip.
Everytime I hear something negative about me, my ego comes into play and it makes me work really hard. In the christmas vacation I worked, skipping my plan of roaming around Switzerland. After the vacation, I worked my ass off for a few days (I stayed for almost 12 hours everyday in the office) and implemented some stuff. I wrote an email to Torsten about my progress and he called me up today.
I was really holding onto my nerves before the meeting because during the vacation, I was getting very late replies from Torsten. Also other members of the group was having regular meetings with Torsten and I was never summoned. I really at some point felt that I am gonna loose my job.
But today, the conversation was the most promising conversation so far. Not only my work was appreciated by Torsten, but also I realized that I am proceeding in the dead right way. While I had trouble figuring out at the beginning, I finally got a grip of the topic. He was really cracking jokes and smiling throughout the conversation which made me feel really good. Even in some cases, I realized that I have dealt with more complex cases in my implementation than is necessary. Even the next steps seem promising to me now.
I would not say that I am utterly satisfied and am suffering from self-content. But today's conversation was really promising. This proved that my good phase has come and it will stay for a while. Also it gave me a lot of inspiration to move further. And as for today, I have a good feeling about the project and I think I can produce a paper out of it. Hard work indeed pays and I think I am going to love research. If there is some success in it, the joy is unbearable.
From now on, whenever there is a major phase (bad/good) in my PhD, I will write it down. I know that this is the last time in my life I will be documenting "my" emotions because after a few years, there will be very little time to think about "me" because I have to think of my "family". Also everyone says, if you document your PhD phases, it will be a worthy document to be kept throughout your life. It is a journey that teaches you many things, makes you a man, so that you can fight the rest of the struggles of your life.
